Hi Kids, Do you like Primus?

First of all, I would like to take a second here to welcome you to my little blog. Basically I will just be writing whatever the hell comes into my head and an abnormally large head it is. Seriously my head is HUGE. The posts before this one are things I wrote awhile ago. I got away from writing and have noticed I am getting more and more angry on the road. This won't lead to good things.

It took me awhile to decide on the opening topic of this new forum for my delusional and generally insane commentary on life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Then like the light from a 24 hour Wendy’s begging me to buy a Spicy Chicken sandwich, it hit me. Let’s just start this thing with random crap that has been floating through my head for the past 6 months.

• If you borrow someone money, how long do you have to wait before a beating is called for to collect? 6 months? 1 year? And if you don’t get it after 2 years do you just write it off, and can you do that on your taxes.
• Being a generally mild mannered person I rarely feel the emotion of anger. It's just not worth it most the time. I have been screwed out of money, time, energy, and women by people and I raise nary an eyebrow, however put me behind the wheel of a car and EVERYONE pisses me off. Really it's not their fault I drive like a total dickbag. I firmly believe you should be able to challenge someone to a duel like the olden days.
  
• How many nicknames is a person allowed? Shouldn’t you have 2 go to nicknames and then that is it. Look at Justin Matthew for instance, What do you call him Biscuits? Bob? Bobby B? Bob Boz? Czar? Ustin? Gay? Can we narrow this down a little? I think 2 nicknames is enough then when a new one is formed the old ones need to go away. Also nicknaming yourself rarely works and you should be rolled down a cheese grater for doing it.
• If life occurred the other way around it would be much better. You come into the world old, then get younger and go to work for 40 years, getting divorced after 40 years of marriage, then have a good 8 years of alcohol, drugs, sex (with many experienced people who have been doing it for 40 years already) and partying until you have to go back to middle school, then you become a child with no worries and finally back into the womb and hang out for 9 months.
• Do people ever go to their neighbors and ask to borrow sugar? Isn’t it like a dollar at the store. Also who bakes now a days anyway (props to Jen for that)
• How many times can one man cock block you until you get to punch him in the face 1 time for free (my vote is 3)
• If you send an email and nobody responds, did it ever really get sent? What about emails that never get to where they were supposed to go? They have to go somewhere (computer memory) was used on them. I think there are really smart chinchillas that get all of these emails and just laugh all day at random conversations and get really mad at the spam.
• One night the power went out in Cudahy. I actually talked to most my neighbors. We congregated in the street and just talked by the light of cigarette and cell phone. It really was one of the weirdest experiences of my life, no neighbors talk to me in the light of day but in complete darkness are the nicest people around. I found that fascinating and I don’t know why.
• Have you ever dropped ass in a public place and had to resist the urge to just stand there with a closed fist in the air?
• Do you have to count the people you slept with in college on your sexual count? I mean college was really mostly about sex wasn’t it.
• What is the acceptable smell level you will tolerate from a roommate? This question can go off in many directions.
• Why is it every time I stare at someone they get creeped out and I end up in handcuffs? You are the one who left the blinds open.
• If I could be someone for a day it would be Zack Morris, just so I could come up with a hair brained scheme, that will drive Mr. Belding nuts, and eventually lead to screech confessing his love to Lisa Turtle (Maybe the most high maintenance girlfriend in history)
• If I could choose someone who I wouldn’t want to be, I would have to choose The President. That is just really a lot of responsibility and quite frankly I couldn’t handle it.
• Why don’t more girls talk about sex when sober? I could use some answers, right now I depend on the show Cathouse (HBO) and some girl on Youtube for all my answers.
• Woman should have to agree to a limit on the amount of time you are required to spend with them. 1/8 of the time you are awake is more than enough. That is about 2 hours a day. Just enough time to talk for 1 hour and then have sex for 1 hour, and really what else is there. After that it should be up to the guy whether you want to spend more time and if you don’t the woman shouldn’t be able to get mad.
• Can you get “played” if you didn’t have sex?
• Why are there social drinkers but not social smokers? I smoke to be social.
• How long do you have to look at someone before it can be considered a stare? There needs to be a scale to determine the difference between a glance, a linger, a long look, and a stare.
• The more I look at Angelina Jolie the more I think she may have been a man at some point. That said I would still sleep with her.
• How much would it cost to hire a hit man? I think you should be able to kill one person for every decade you live past 60. But you have to kill them yourself, so the window to pull it off is really 60-80 years old. By the time you are 60 I bet there are about 50 people who have royally screwed you over that you want to kill. Also legal kills are non-transferable.
• Who thought of the term movie “buff”? Isn’t the term buff used to describe a person who is very muscular? I would think someone who watches a ton of movies wouldn’t be in the best of shape.
• Let’s be honest, 98% of the time you give 2 shits what someone is saying to you.
• Rick Majerus has been divorced for 20 years, hangs around young men a TON, and is good friends with Herb Kohl. Why don’t we assume he is gay?
• I would rather have a scalpel plunged in my eye than see Ashlee Simpson in concert. In a related note I would like to fight her dad Joe Simpson.
• You should have to get a license to play blackjack in a casino. Other peoples money is at stake and you can just sit down drunk off your ass and do whatever you want and screw someone else.
• Tut’s dog has better teeth than most the people in Cudahy.
• How many midgets could you fight? I think I could beat up about 10 before the bum rush got me.
• Is there anyone who doesn’t like the smell of cinnamon?
• I heart Kelly Clarkson, just thought I would add that.
  

Battle of the Boy Bands

ets be honest this debate really only involves two groups N*Sync and Boyz II Men. 98 Degrees never really got it going past 2 songs. Although that poster of them with their shirts off with the fire behind them, convinced me I was straight cuz I wasn't turned on by it (those confusing high school years). LFO was just crap, they couldn't even dance. Backstreet was right there but they just couldn't keep up with N*Sync although "incomplete" was a nice comeback song. Color Me Badd is in contention but the guys painted on beard just killed them in my eyes. I am not really sure what "sexing someone up" exactly is but I would like it anyway. Dru Hill took themselves way too seriously to be considered true boyband material. NKOTB started the genre but were not the best. I did see them in concert (12th row center, Alpine Valley), but seeing a fat Jordan Knight try to molest Ryan Starr on the Surreal life just killed all fond memories, not to mention Donnie Wahlberg playing a 90 lb cancer patient in Dreamcatcher. And unlike Boyz II Men and N*Sync they tried to be gritty and tough with "Hangin Tough" NO DICE. Those three incidents warped my fragile little mind. Right Said Fred deserves special mention for the mesh shirt the lead singer wore but one hit wonders need not apply. Soul Decision just didn't last, and neither did Saigon Kick, ABC (Iesha, she is that special kind of girl), Perfect Gentlemen, Mint Condition, or B2K. You need more than one album to qualify. So now to the tale of the tape.

N*Sync Boyz II Men Edge
Group Members 5 4 NS

Signature Song This I promise u End of the Road B2M

Hair Solid/Good Medium NS

Dancing Ability Amazing Solid NS

Singing Ability medium Amazing B2M

Career Length about 5 3 Albums NS
albums
(JT still going)

Lead Singer JT Wanya NS

Base Lance Mike B2M

Skinny 2nd fiddle JC Shawn NS

Gayness Factor High Low B2M

Love Making Music Low Amazing B2M

Coolness Factor Low High B2M

What you wore
while listening A & F Silk Shirt B2M

Groupie Hotness Cameron Diaz uhhhh NS

My personal
preference Amazing Not quite Amazo NS

Bye, Bye, Bye a close count of 8-7 N*SYNC WINS!!!

So like Mike says in End of the Road

Im not out to go out and cheat on you all night
Just like you did baby but thats all right
Hey, I love you anyway
And Im still gonna be here for you till my dying day baby
Right now, Im just in so much pain baby
Cuz you just wont come back to me
Will you? just come back to me

I feel like Mike's girl. I just keep running out on Boyz II Men. To answer your question, No, Mike I will not come back to you. N*Sync is the best boy band ever.

Me vs. A Convicted Sex Offender

Ladies, for most of you, there will come a point in your life where you will have to choose between either going out on a date with me or a convicted sex offender. The choice will be tough, and many of you will go with your gut instinct and choose the convicted sex offender. However, there are many reasons why yours truly is the better choice to pick. And in the end, just like in Saved by the Bell where Kelly chose Zack over Slater, I know you too will make the correct decision.

Reason 1 = Transportation

Convicted Sex Offenders in most cases will pick you up in their van, drag you to the back of it, and force themselves on you. Not me, because I own a truck, there is no room for any funny business. So, instead of you being tied up in the back of some guy’s van, you’d be riding in my small cramped cab in my kick ass S-10.

Reason 2 = I'm a better listener

Let’s face it, often times, Convicted Sex Offender’s aren’t good listeners. They won’t listen to you on a date when you talk about yourself or also at the end of the date when you scream “Please stop strangling me” as they shove a pillow over your face. I on the other hand can listen to you babble on for hours. I may not necessarily be totally awake while doing it or give two shits about what you are saying, but I have perfected the “smile and nod” technique after hours of practice looking in the mirror in a Burger King bathroom.

Reason #3 = Less Facial Hair

In the United States, 63f women preferred guys with less facial hair in a conducted study I just made up. I will always keep my hair short out of the pure hatred I have for Liberal Hippie Douche Bags and consistently shave once a week so my boss will stop mistaking me for a homeless person who randomly walked in to work and ask that I get escorted out.

Reason #4 = Lack of commitment

Convicted Sex Offenders will often have trouble committing to just one girlfriend, or as the court calls them, victims. While the word “victim” has also been used for women who have gone out with me, you will still be better off not dating the sex offender. You see, sex offenders are usually caught by police because they have molested not one girl, but about 4 or 5, thus, bettering the chance that they will be caught. Trust me, you will not be the only girl they will have their eye on to force themselves on you and later throw your body in a dumpster. I, on the other hand, will pay only attention to you, and not even go near another girl, because most likely that girl has filed a restraining order against me and the law says I can’t. That’s right ladies, I am all yours!

Reason #5 =I am not on drugs at the moment

Any sex offender who is addicted to drugs will always find a way to pay for them, such as handjobs, robbing people at knife point, late night appearances at the 7-11, the list goes on and on. I, on the other hand, am flat broke and way too lazy to take up odd jobs such as these.

Reason #6 = I am a better dresser

When you see a Convicted Sex Offender, they will usually be wearing a baggy shirt and Jeans, this way they can conceal the necessities a sex offender needs when going out on a date, like a switch blade, rope, ransom note, etc. However, I on the other hand, will leave nothing up to the imagination and assure you I have nothing concealed. My normal date attire of sweaty gym shorts and a “No Fat Chicks” t-shirt will remove any doubt that I am simply with you for the pleasure of your company and not an undercover employee of the website “Backroom- Facials.com.

Reason #7 = I am much better at spooning

I for one have taken spooning to an art form. I know exactly where to put the arm that isn't around you for maximum comfort for both you and me. Also I am a master of contorting my body to fit perfectly into your sleeping position so you are comfortable even if I am bent into a pretzel and suffer cramping and other assorted afflictions. It's all about you. A sex offender is much more interested in molesting and murdering you. And that isn't all that fun for you.

Reason #8 = I'm better looking

Lets be honest the convicted sex offender can't be all that good looking if he has to molest someone. I on the other hand am quite cute.

Reason #9 = I have a better trailer.

My trailer is nice, with wooden cabinets, shag carpeting, disco lights, and pabst signs everywhere. Also there is no visable porn. A convicted sex offender on the other hand lives on the west side of the trailer park (where the low class of trailer dwellers live, I live on the east side). His trailer has porn strewn about and tagboard cabinets. Also his 12 inch TV/VCR is constantly showing porn. You can't bring your parents there, unless your parents are really into porn and in that case I guess the Convicted sex offender wins.

The old one is kinda stale....

Ok here is the situation. I had a stalker and she was great but unfortunately she has moved on to another man. I am on the lookout for a new stalker. Stalkers not only protect you when walking alone at night they are also a real boost to the self esteem. So I will need you fill out the following survey and return it to me and I will tell you if you have been chosen to be my stalker. There are many responsibilities that being my stalker entails and before you apply, you need to do some soul searching and figure out if you are up to the task. Ok here are the twenty questions I need answered.

1. Do you have an addictive personality?
2. How often would you be sleeping in my bushes?
3. How incognito can you be?
4. What is the creepiest thing you ever did while on stalking duty?
5. What length would you go to sleep with me?
6. What will you do if you see me with another girl?
7. What does your stalking kit consist of?
8. Are you willing to travel?
9. How many other people are you currrently stalking?
10. Would you fight off any attackers if the need arises?
11. What item of mine would you steal after you break into my apt?
12. How often would you go through my garbage?
13. Would you hack into my myspace account and pretend to be me?
14. Would you tell me your pregnant and its mine even though we have never progressed past a kiss?
15. Would you come to bars you think I might be at by yourself to keep an eye out?
16. Would you tell random girls I talk to in bars that I have STDs to keep me for youself?
17. How powerful are your binoculars?
18. Do you have any locks of my hair?
19. If I do get a court order against you would you wait the 90 days and then resume your activities? I am looking for dedication here.
20. Would you ever physically harm me (as in would you ever reach the "if I can't have him, no one will" point"?

I have discovered the secret to time travel!!!!!

Time Travel? Yes I have discovered the secret to traveling through time. Now I did not fall and hit my head on a toilet and envision the Flux Capacitor like a Dr. Emmet Brown (at least his discovery led to two good movies, Back to the Future III never happened, YOU HEAR ME). My discovery took years of experimentation and research. I know you wish to know the secrets of this great gift. Sit still my students I will tell you everything you need to know in short order. First lets cover the basics. What is time travel? Well time travel is the ability to move about the space/time continuum at will and insert yourself at any given moment in history both past, present and future. I have discovered how to travel to the future. The secret of traveling to the past has thus far eluded me, but rest assured I will be hard at work.

Now onto the science of it all and the how-to guide. I have discovered that time travel is based on two concepts

1) An object in motion stays in motion

2) If you dont remember it, it didnt happen

Now we will start with the concept of momentum (which is governed by concept number 1 above). The whole key to this concept is alcohol. I dont know why or how but it is the catalyst to time travel. The night starts with an alcoholic drink. This starts the process. What the alcoholic drink does is immediately start affecting the air around you. After 5 to 6 alcoholic drinks (and this varies by strength of drink and weight of person). You head will start to have a feeling I like to call a buzz. What is actually occurring is your body is starting to slow spin in a vortex that will eventually lead to your time travel. This is where momentum comes in. Your body is now in motion toward time travel and there is no way you can slow it down. Now you have just reached the top of the vortex, so more alcohol is necessary. To speed up the process, you should purchase what is called a shot. This throws a large quantity of alcohol into your system in a short amount of time, it also causes the vortex to spin quicker, and you to gain more momentum towards time travel. After a few of these shots and other assorted drinks you will have passed through the vortex into a place I call happy land (creative arent I). At this time your body generally feels weightless; you voice gets louder, and sometimes it can involve you dancing. This feeling last for approximately 45 minutes depending on amount of alcohol. Just past happy land is time travel. Now, as near the end of happy land, there is black space. This, my friends is time travel. You will magically wake up two, three, sometimes even 8 or 9 hours into the future. Upon your arrival you are usually greeted with a headache and sometimes feeling a little nauseous. This is normal. Time travel can be hard on the body. At times you will wake up and there is someone you dont even recognize next to you. This is also normal. There are many travelers on the space/time continuum and finding a partner during your journey through time is quite common. Also another side effect is sometimes you and this stranger may be nude. This is also normal. When being thrown into the future, sometimes your clothes can fall off. I mean you are traveling 8 hours ahead in less than a seconds time. Another side effect are you so called friends and acquaintances, you will generally find that they will tell you that you were with them during your period of time travel, and tell you stories of what you supposedly did and who you owe an apology to. This is poppycock. These people are just jealous that they could not experience the miracle of time travel and will try to frighten you with outrageous stories. Remember concept number 2 above, if you dont remember it, it didnt happen. This is a proven scientific theory. So if you dont remember it happening then that person is obviously a liar. So a quick review.

1) 3-6 alcoholic beverages, in the land of Buzz

2) Shots for the slow, more alcoholic beverages for those who like to savor

3) Travel through Happy land. euphoric feeling, loud voice

4) TIME TRAVEL

5) Arrival

So as you can see anyone can travel through time. I do it often and it is very rewarding. Follow the simple steps and you can join me in my travels through time.

You look like what?

If you have interacted with enough people on the internet, you know that with the pictures you get from people, what you see is only sometimes what you actually get when it's time to come out of your lair and meet them in real life.
I have figured out an infallible way to determine if pictures are accurate.

If pictures are nothing but angles from the top, beware. There is some fucked up shit below.

Lot's of Photoshop usually equals lots of ugly. Everyone who's photo is done up with a high contrast is probably hiding something.

If the logos of other websites are at the bottom, it's likely they don't have a copy of the original, so they're a faker.

Do they only have 1-3 photos of themselves? No one has that few unless their country has banned the use of cameras. If she or he is mind-blowingly gorgeous, yet can "only show you one or two" then you know they're full of shit. Especially if the explanation is that their scanner/digital camera is "broken".

Do they have the images cropped to just them? They usually do this so they don't have to make up answers about who the other people are in the pic.

If they're gorgeous, yet hounding you for some cyber sex, chances are they're disgusting and hounding you for some cyber sex.

When all the pictures are of the same side of their face, that person is hiding something. The best person to illustrate this is Paris Hilton. She has a wonky eye and therefore she only takes pictures of the left side of her face in order to hide that right eye. Lots of people do this and it is usually to hide a lazy eye.
*Sidenote: Wonky is a great way to describe a lazy eye.

No pics of them smiling? Bad teeth, racked up teeth, missing teeth, stained teeth, possibly chews on rocks. Something is wrong with their teeth.

If it's a guy, and he's posing in front of the camera and the camera is angled slightly up, while his pants are slung really low on his hips and he's looking at the camera with his head cocked to the side, shirtless, wearing a beanie, he's probably considered playing the skinflute more than once in his life.

Out of focus and/or fuzzy pictures are a sure sign of something skin-related that person doesn't want noticed at first glance. Scars, acne, eczema...could be anything. These kinds of pictures are normally taken with digital cameras and in low light.

I've noticed that girls who would be considered below average in person take around 30 pictures of themselves at wacky angles and tons of makeup to convince themselves that they're attractive. On MySpace, these girls usually get a ton of comments that boost their low-self confidence. However, they are still ugly.

Only pics of one part--if her pics are only a head shot, or only pics of her tits, etc, etc--expect whatever part she shows repeatedly to be the only good part of her.

The more pictures that they have of themselves actually out and doing things the better. I never trust anyone who ONLY has pictures of themselves in their room. Sure, I have a couple of those but I can disclose many pictures of me out and about with friends in natural light.

I post many different kinds of pictures of myself to reveal what I really look like. One of me drunk at 3am? Check. One of my face up close while I'm fucked up? Check. Me out and about with friends. Check.

If anyone only has pictures that they took of themselves with no one else there then this is a BAD sign. Run. This person has no friends for a reason.

Also, if all their pictures look TOO perfect then they are ugly. Seriously. I want to see something imperfect. A scar, a hair out of place, SOMETHING!

Last, I'd say make sure you see lots of pictures. Anyone can look good in 5 pictures. But 500? Not likely.

If someone doesn't have an accurate description of you before meeting, you are doing yourself a disservice, as well as the unsuspecting victim.

Think twice people. Next installment will be my explanation of my need to write this. I have met the fuckers with no teeth, peg leg, missing an ear and 57 lbs bigger than previously believed

What I need in a woman

Hello! I am looking for a pretentious, egomaniacal, vapid b*tch. Does this ring a bell? I have finally realized my expectations have been far too high in a woman. I have been looking for all the wrong things apparently and I realize I need a change in my attitude. So let’s see if you have any of these hard to find qualities:

1) Please don’t have a job or any ambition. I have found jobs and things like pride in what you do just get in the way of a solid relationship. You should be at best an “administrative assistant” or unemployed. Anything more than that and you just won’t have time for anything meaningful.
2) Please have at least two addictions: I am hoping for shoes and US weekly but alcohol, drugs, shopping are also appealing. You can obviously borrow money from me to support these habits.
3) Please have a ton of pillows all over anything. Nothing says class like 82 pillows with teddy bear accents on your bed and couches.
4) Please make up magical reasons to get mad at me. I am sure when I looked up at the TV screen in a bar I was checking out every women in the room and I expect to be reminded about it. Also things I say in passing should be brought up days, months, or years later in any argument if it happens to be relevant or not.
5) You should also never trust me. What relationship is worth a crap if I am not constantly trying to prove that I am trust worthy and that I am different then the other guys you date? You should make sure that even if I give you no reason not to trust me completely you should fabricate something to keep me on my toes. This is mandatory.
6) Please also have an ex-boyfriend who is still in love with you that you string along with false hope. I am always looking for new friends and I am sure he and I will get along smashingly. Bonus points if he is constantly telling you how much of an ass I am. I mean if you missed it then it is obviously in his job description to remind you.
7) Please don’t be accountable for your actions. It is my fault if your relationship with your parents sucks, you don’t get promoted above your entry level job despite doing nothing to make yourself more valuable, your boss doesn’t want to pay you 30 bucks an hour to talk to your friends on the phone and do your nails, or your drug dealer isn’t answering his phone. A bonus if your hypocritical and contradict yourself constantly
8) Please be deep in debt. Prada shoes are of upmost importance and I would never rob my girl of anything she wanted, even if it meant your 6th credit card just hit its limit. No worries we can max out mine! Also you should not have anything to show for your debt other than a fabulous wardrobe and outstanding nails.
9) Depend on your dad for everything. He has done it his whole life why not continue that into your 30’s. Any ability to take care of yourself is turn off.
10) Please yell at me loudly in public. You will really win my heart if your actions cause us to be asked to leave wherever we may be at the times.
11) When meeting my parents it is customary for you to get as drunk as possible and tell them details about our sex life and exactly what is wrong with me. Oh you should also mention that any and all areas in which I fall short of perfection is probably their fault.
12) When we are in the throes of passion make sure you lay there and don’t move, also noise is completely discouraged. Also anything pleasurable for me should only occur on my birthday.


So please ladies, if you fit these qualities,leave me comments so we can begin our life of misery together. I can't wait!!!