Time Travel? Yes I have discovered the secret to traveling through time. Now I did not fall and hit my head on a toilet and envision the Flux Capacitor like a Dr. Emmet Brown (at least his discovery led to two good movies, Back to the Future III never happened, YOU HEAR ME). My discovery took years of experimentation and research. I know you wish to know the secrets of this great gift. Sit still my students I will tell you everything you need to know in short order. First lets cover the basics. What is time travel? Well time travel is the ability to move about the space/time continuum at will and insert yourself at any given moment in history both past, present and future. I have discovered how to travel to the future. The secret of traveling to the past has thus far eluded me, but rest assured I will be hard at work.
Now onto the science of it all and the how-to guide. I have discovered that time travel is based on two concepts
1) An object in motion stays in motion
2) If you dont remember it, it didnt happen
Now we will start with the concept of momentum (which is governed by concept number 1 above). The whole key to this concept is alcohol. I dont know why or how but it is the catalyst to time travel. The night starts with an alcoholic drink. This starts the process. What the alcoholic drink does is immediately start affecting the air around you. After 5 to 6 alcoholic drinks (and this varies by strength of drink and weight of person). You head will start to have a feeling I like to call a buzz. What is actually occurring is your body is starting to slow spin in a vortex that will eventually lead to your time travel. This is where momentum comes in. Your body is now in motion toward time travel and there is no way you can slow it down. Now you have just reached the top of the vortex, so more alcohol is necessary. To speed up the process, you should purchase what is called a shot. This throws a large quantity of alcohol into your system in a short amount of time, it also causes the vortex to spin quicker, and you to gain more momentum towards time travel. After a few of these shots and other assorted drinks you will have passed through the vortex into a place I call happy land (creative arent I). At this time your body generally feels weightless; you voice gets louder, and sometimes it can involve you dancing. This feeling last for approximately 45 minutes depending on amount of alcohol. Just past happy land is time travel. Now, as near the end of happy land, there is black space. This, my friends is time travel. You will magically wake up two, three, sometimes even 8 or 9 hours into the future. Upon your arrival you are usually greeted with a headache and sometimes feeling a little nauseous. This is normal. Time travel can be hard on the body. At times you will wake up and there is someone you dont even recognize next to you. This is also normal. There are many travelers on the space/time continuum and finding a partner during your journey through time is quite common. Also another side effect is sometimes you and this stranger may be nude. This is also normal. When being thrown into the future, sometimes your clothes can fall off. I mean you are traveling 8 hours ahead in less than a seconds time. Another side effect are you so called friends and acquaintances, you will generally find that they will tell you that you were with them during your period of time travel, and tell you stories of what you supposedly did and who you owe an apology to. This is poppycock. These people are just jealous that they could not experience the miracle of time travel and will try to frighten you with outrageous stories. Remember concept number 2 above, if you dont remember it, it didnt happen. This is a proven scientific theory. So if you dont remember it happening then that person is obviously a liar. So a quick review.
1) 3-6 alcoholic beverages, in the land of Buzz
2) Shots for the slow, more alcoholic beverages for those who like to savor
3) Travel through Happy land. euphoric feeling, loud voice
4) TIME TRAVEL
5) Arrival
So as you can see anyone can travel through time. I do it often and it is very rewarding. Follow the simple steps and you can join me in my travels through time.
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