Hello! I am looking for a pretentious, egomaniacal, vapid b*tch. Does this ring a bell? I have finally realized my expectations have been far too high in a woman. I have been looking for all the wrong things apparently and I realize I need a change in my attitude. So let’s see if you have any of these hard to find qualities:
1) Please don’t have a job or any ambition. I have found jobs and things like pride in what you do just get in the way of a solid relationship. You should be at best an “administrative assistant” or unemployed. Anything more than that and you just won’t have time for anything meaningful.
2) Please have at least two addictions: I am hoping for shoes and US weekly but alcohol, drugs, shopping are also appealing. You can obviously borrow money from me to support these habits.
3) Please have a ton of pillows all over anything. Nothing says class like 82 pillows with teddy bear accents on your bed and couches.
4) Please make up magical reasons to get mad at me. I am sure when I looked up at the TV screen in a bar I was checking out every women in the room and I expect to be reminded about it. Also things I say in passing should be brought up days, months, or years later in any argument if it happens to be relevant or not.
5) You should also never trust me. What relationship is worth a crap if I am not constantly trying to prove that I am trust worthy and that I am different then the other guys you date? You should make sure that even if I give you no reason not to trust me completely you should fabricate something to keep me on my toes. This is mandatory.
6) Please also have an ex-boyfriend who is still in love with you that you string along with false hope. I am always looking for new friends and I am sure he and I will get along smashingly. Bonus points if he is constantly telling you how much of an ass I am. I mean if you missed it then it is obviously in his job description to remind you.
7) Please don’t be accountable for your actions. It is my fault if your relationship with your parents sucks, you don’t get promoted above your entry level job despite doing nothing to make yourself more valuable, your boss doesn’t want to pay you 30 bucks an hour to talk to your friends on the phone and do your nails, or your drug dealer isn’t answering his phone. A bonus if your hypocritical and contradict yourself constantly
8) Please be deep in debt. Prada shoes are of upmost importance and I would never rob my girl of anything she wanted, even if it meant your 6th credit card just hit its limit. No worries we can max out mine! Also you should not have anything to show for your debt other than a fabulous wardrobe and outstanding nails.
9) Depend on your dad for everything. He has done it his whole life why not continue that into your 30’s. Any ability to take care of yourself is turn off.
10) Please yell at me loudly in public. You will really win my heart if your actions cause us to be asked to leave wherever we may be at the times.
11) When meeting my parents it is customary for you to get as drunk as possible and tell them details about our sex life and exactly what is wrong with me. Oh you should also mention that any and all areas in which I fall short of perfection is probably their fault.
12) When we are in the throes of passion make sure you lay there and don’t move, also noise is completely discouraged. Also anything pleasurable for me should only occur on my birthday.
So please ladies, if you fit these qualities,leave me comments so we can begin our life of misery together. I can't wait!!!
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