Ladies, for most of you, there will come a point in your life where you will have to choose between either going out on a date with me or a convicted sex offender. The choice will be tough, and many of you will go with your gut instinct and choose the convicted sex offender. However, there are many reasons why yours truly is the better choice to pick. And in the end, just like in Saved by the Bell where Kelly chose Zack over Slater, I know you too will make the correct decision.
Reason 1 = Transportation
Convicted Sex Offenders in most cases will pick you up in their van, drag you to the back of it, and force themselves on you. Not me, because I own a truck, there is no room for any funny business. So, instead of you being tied up in the back of some guy’s van, you’d be riding in my small cramped cab in my kick ass S-10.
Reason 2 = I'm a better listener
Let’s face it, often times, Convicted Sex Offender’s aren’t good listeners. They won’t listen to you on a date when you talk about yourself or also at the end of the date when you scream “Please stop strangling me” as they shove a pillow over your face. I on the other hand can listen to you babble on for hours. I may not necessarily be totally awake while doing it or give two shits about what you are saying, but I have perfected the “smile and nod” technique after hours of practice looking in the mirror in a Burger King bathroom.
Reason #3 = Less Facial Hair
In the United States, 63f women preferred guys with less facial hair in a conducted study I just made up. I will always keep my hair short out of the pure hatred I have for Liberal Hippie Douche Bags and consistently shave once a week so my boss will stop mistaking me for a homeless person who randomly walked in to work and ask that I get escorted out.
Reason #4 = Lack of commitment
Convicted Sex Offenders will often have trouble committing to just one girlfriend, or as the court calls them, victims. While the word “victim” has also been used for women who have gone out with me, you will still be better off not dating the sex offender. You see, sex offenders are usually caught by police because they have molested not one girl, but about 4 or 5, thus, bettering the chance that they will be caught. Trust me, you will not be the only girl they will have their eye on to force themselves on you and later throw your body in a dumpster. I, on the other hand, will pay only attention to you, and not even go near another girl, because most likely that girl has filed a restraining order against me and the law says I can’t. That’s right ladies, I am all yours!
Reason #5 =I am not on drugs at the moment
Any sex offender who is addicted to drugs will always find a way to pay for them, such as handjobs, robbing people at knife point, late night appearances at the 7-11, the list goes on and on. I, on the other hand, am flat broke and way too lazy to take up odd jobs such as these.
Reason #6 = I am a better dresser
When you see a Convicted Sex Offender, they will usually be wearing a baggy shirt and Jeans, this way they can conceal the necessities a sex offender needs when going out on a date, like a switch blade, rope, ransom note, etc. However, I on the other hand, will leave nothing up to the imagination and assure you I have nothing concealed. My normal date attire of sweaty gym shorts and a “No Fat Chicks” t-shirt will remove any doubt that I am simply with you for the pleasure of your company and not an undercover employee of the website “Backroom- Facials.com.
Reason #7 = I am much better at spooning
I for one have taken spooning to an art form. I know exactly where to put the arm that isn't around you for maximum comfort for both you and me. Also I am a master of contorting my body to fit perfectly into your sleeping position so you are comfortable even if I am bent into a pretzel and suffer cramping and other assorted afflictions. It's all about you. A sex offender is much more interested in molesting and murdering you. And that isn't all that fun for you.
Reason #8 = I'm better looking
Lets be honest the convicted sex offender can't be all that good looking if he has to molest someone. I on the other hand am quite cute.
Reason #9 = I have a better trailer.
My trailer is nice, with wooden cabinets, shag carpeting, disco lights, and pabst signs everywhere. Also there is no visable porn. A convicted sex offender on the other hand lives on the west side of the trailer park (where the low class of trailer dwellers live, I live on the east side). His trailer has porn strewn about and tagboard cabinets. Also his 12 inch TV/VCR is constantly showing porn. You can't bring your parents there, unless your parents are really into porn and in that case I guess the Convicted sex offender wins.
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